HOW TO RECOGNIZE AND UNTANGLE PERFECTIONISM AS A WORKING MOM
Why “Good Enough” is More Than Enough
Anyone remember this scene in Brooklyn 99, when Amy Santiago desperately admits to not having gotten an F since “failing recess in the second grade!?”
Or how about Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec who beams as she announces she’s “right on the verge of a nervous breakdown”?
While Amy wears her panic on her sleeve, and Leslie disguises hers with cheer and optimism, many women experience that same inner anguish or pressure when they feel like they’ve fallen short of expectations—whether it’s a report at school, a performance review, or even a searing critique from your toddler on a dinner you made specifically for them (“I DON’T LIKE burgers anymore!!!” 😅).
Perfectionism can sneak into life in subtle ways. Sometimes it shows up as type-A ambition, and other times as the quiet self-doubt that makes you replay that conversation with your colleague your entire commute home, or agonize over how your last presentation was perceived.
Perfectionism is both a signal of success and a disguise of psychological distress.
Unfortunately, it’s a trait commonly celebrated in our culture for its dedication and potential results, but also one that quietly erodes our sense of self-worth if left unchecked.
THE LINK BETWEEN PERFECTIONISM AND SELF-WORTH
Perfectionism is the belief that our worth depends on meeting extremely high expectations—often those set by others (Kemp et al., 2025). In many workplaces today, this mindset pushes people (especially women) to measure their value primarily by their output.
But perfectionism isn’t just about performance. It shapes how we communicate (don’t be too assertive, but also not too accommodating 😣), how we look (aligning with unhealthy societal beauty standards), and even how we make others feel (women as nurturing, supportive, helpers). When expectations aren’t met, perfectionists often internalize the failure, believing it reflects their personal worth.
Research highlights the impact this can have on mental health. Kemp et al. (2025) found that perfectionism among B2B (business-to-business) sales professionals was strongly linked to burnout, difficulty managing stress, and higher risk of psychological distress.
For women, social pressures amplify these challenges.
Perfectionism doesn’t stay at the office… it follows us home, into parenting, appearances, and social life. Over time, societal expectations mold perfectionism across multiple areas of life.
For example, Deloitte’s 2024 Women @ Work report shows that women still carry the majority of household and caregiving responsibilities, even when they are the primary earners (Deloitte, 2024). Balancing domestic work with professional demands only increases the pressure to prove oneself.
📷 credit: vitolda-klein-L8oEIAZ59_g-unsplash
And many women are all too familiar with the stress of returning home to messy kitchens, piles of laundry, scattered toys, and children needing their presence and attention. Have you ever wondered WHY you feel so over-stimulated by these things?
That’s a lot of expectation, across multiple roles in life. Do you see that?
This constant pressure—to excel at work, at home, and in personal relationships—feeds the inner critic and keeps our voice of perfectionism alive. Over time, perfectionism is strongly linked to burnout, imposter syndrome, anxiety, and depressive disorders.
Because of this, naming and dismantling our perfectionism is essential. Recognizing its patterns is the first step in protecting our mental health and reclaiming a sense of self-worth that isn’t tied to endless achievement, unrealistically high standards, or productivity.
WHY PERFECTIONISM FEELS PROTECTIVE (BUT ISN’T)
But here’s the thing, right–perfectionism does feel protective.
Many of us are SO. DARN. GOOD. at getting other’s approval. We have been conditioned for decades to be “good girls” who are now “good teammates” and “good moms.”
(You’ll want to listen to Dr. Becky’s 2-part podcast here and here if the words “good girl” resonate yet give you a serious ick factor)
Unfortunately, when we are validated by others we feel a sense of accomplishment, validation, and even… safety!
In reality, we are abandoning our own needs, we are fueling untrue narratives of self-worth, and holding ourselves back from learning, dare we say failing, and growing.
Perfectionism has us understating ourselves, over-preparing, and/or delaying action.
Because yes, these things might protect us from potential criticism or rejection, but they also fuel our mental distress and overall lack of wellbeing.
WHAT PERFECTIONISM LOOKS AND SOUNDS LIKE
There are countless examples of perfectionism in pop culture. Of course Hollywood over-dramatizes the perfectionist so that we don’t always see ourselves in their panic attacks, micro-management, goofy optimism, and obsessive cleaning rituals. But if any of this resonates, maybe you’re trying to figure out just how much perfectionism is impacting your own understanding of self-worth.
Here are a few ways it might be showing up…
🏢Perfectionism in the Workplace…
The Excessive Polish: you spend hours tweaking a pitch deck (and get known as the one who is sooo good at presentations on your team, designating yourself as the token deck-builder) instead of sharing it and iterating
Waiting to ship: you delay publishing that report, releasing that feature, or bringing together that team because your approach or output doesn’t seem “perfect yet” (even though your customers or team or colleagues would have benefited from your minimum-viable-product (aka MVP) version)
Downplaying Yourself: Saying things like “I support our design strategy” rather than “I am our Senior VP of Brand”
The Overprep Spiral: You rehearse your talking points endlessly before a meeting, but then stay silent because you weren’t sure your thoughts were polished enough
Obsessing over Credentials: Taking one more course or webinar before implementing a strategy you already know you need to try, or sharing your knowledge with others
“Trying” vs. “Doing” Language: When introducing yourself to others and a new career you’re trying out, saying “I’m trying to ___” rather than “I’m ___”. By trying instead of doing you minimize your authority and protect yourself from being “called out” if you–heaven-forbid–fail
🏡Perfectionism at Home…
Playdate Pressure: Feeling self-conscious of the snacks you packed, toys you have, or how messy your toddler is in their dirty clothes which are so not Pinterest ready
Milestone Anxiety: Worrying when your child isn’t hitting milestones “right on schedule,” as if it may reflect on your worth as a parent.
Having the perfect home setup: Apologizing when friends come over saying, “Sorry the house is a mess” or not having anyone over unless the house was spotless and organized
Self-Care Mom Guilt: You skip workouts, journaling, pleasure, or rest opportunities if you couldn’t do them “properly” (full session, perfect routine, etc.), so you did nothing instead
Dinner-table Pressure: Feeling like every family meal needs to be balanced, home-cooked, and toddler-approved, then you beat yourself up if dinner ends up being takeout or frozen chicken nuggets
Memory-Making: Putting pressure on yourself to capture every milestone with perfect photos, crafts, or journals, then feeling guilty when life gets too busy and those moments go “uncaptured”
SHIFTING FROM PERFECTIONISM TO SELF-WORTH
So… what can we do about it?
The first step to unpacking perfectionism is to start noticing when it’s showing up and taking the driver’s seat.
You can be really diligent about this and start a thought record note in your phone or journal, and try noting down each time this happens. Then, if you want to really take this to the next step, start documenting what’s going on when you notice perfectionism.
📝Where are you when it happens?
📝What makes it feel really intense?
📝What are the narratives that catch yourself saying?
These insights will help you understand the deeper patterns behind your perfectionism—what situations trigger it, what fears are underneath (often fear of rejection, failure, or judgment), and how your automatic thoughts are reinforcing it.
Then, you can take those automatic thoughts and start reframing them.
Applying Therapy Modalities: CBT
In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), we often call this process catching, checking, and changing your thoughts. 💭 The goal isn’t to force toxic positivity or convince yourself you’re amazing when you don’t feel it. The point is, you gently challenge the unhelpful thoughts (‘If I don’t nail this presentation, I’m a failure’) and replace them with more balanced ones (‘This presentation is one part of my work, and it doesn’t define my worth’).
Over time, this shift can help rewire our brain’s habit of equating performance with value.
You want narratives that focus on alignment with your values, not approval from others or with the goal of people pleasing.
Applying Therapy Modalities: ACT
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) also offers a radical way to reframe negative thoughts. It’s called Defusion, and it’s when you learn to take a step back, detach from your thoughts, and see them as just thoughts. 🧠 They are not facts or instructions you have to follow.
This simple act (pun intended) is powerful. It creates figurative distance between ourselves and our thoughts, helping to reduce their power over us.
For example, instead of subscribing to the thought that “I don’t have enough to offer, I’m not good enough at that”, you put some literal space between the thought and you by using the words “I’m having the thought that ___”
Reframe → “I’m having the thought that I don’t have enough to offer, I’m not good enough at that.”
You can even take it one step further, and also add the statement “I’m noticing that” → followed by “I’m having the thought that…”.
Reframe 2.0 → “I’m noticing that I’m having the thought that I don’t have enough to offer, I’m not good enough at that.”
This therapy modality of ACT invites you to simply notice and detach from thoughts rather than fight with or try to erase them.
Then, you can choose actions that align better with your values. Even if your perfectionist friend is sitting on your shoulder, you can still take your next step forward with less attachment.
Applying Therapy Modalities: CFT (Compassion-Focused Therapy)
As you work on reframing your thoughts, don’t forget to give yourself compassion, too. 💗
Give yourself permission to be bad at this (it’s not your fault).
Give yourself permission to learn this over time.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes as you go.
One of the best ways you can practice self-compassion is through Kristin Neff’s (a renowned psychologist who specializes in self-compassion) ‘Three Elements of Self-Compassion’ framework (Neff, 2011), which goes like this:
Mindfulness: Draw attention to the struggle without exaggerating or ignoring it. [🔉Sounds like, “Oh, hello perfectionism, it’s you again.”]
Common Humanity: Remember that you’re not alone, and imperfection is part of being human. [🔉Sounds like, “It’s fair that I feel this way. Anyone in this position would feel this way.”]
Self-Kindness: We are so good at extending grace and compassion to our friends. Try to see if you can give yourself a little bit, too. [🔉Sounds like: “That sounds so hard, you’re not alone in this and I’m here for you.]
🤗 If physical movement or action helps you change your headspace, you can even wrap yourself in a hug for a minute or two, and talk yourself through these affirmations.
GET STARTED
JOURNAL PROMPTS
To start unpacking your perfectionism, try taking a look through the following journaling prompts and see if anything inspires you as a starting point for some personal reflections:
Where do I feel pressure to be perfect?
What does perfect look like to me?
What is perfect costing me?
What makes your best friend, your spouse, your child worthy of your love? How does this change your perspective?
What would change if “done” mattered more than “perfect”?
UNPACKING OUR PERFECTIONISM STORIES
You don’t have to prove your worth by being perfect. You are inherently worthy of love and belonging and you have value, just because.
At Workshop Therapy and Consulting, we specialize in helping women understand their perfectionism, build self-trust, and create a healthier work-life integration (not work-life balance) that supports your identities as a woman, a mother, a partner, a friend, and so much more.
Whether you’re navigating burnout, imposter syndrome, or the constant pressure to “do it all,” you don’t have to do it alone.
👉🏼 Explore our therapy services to see how we can support you, or subscribe to our newsletter for practical tools and reflections delivered to your inbox.
REFERENCES
Deloitte. (2024). Women @ Work 2024: A global outlook. Deloitte Global. https://www.deloitte.com/content/dam/assets-shared/docs/collections/2024/deloitte-women-at-work-2024-a-global-outlook.pdf
Kemp, E., Anaza, N. A., Porter III, M., Davis, C. D., & Jones, E. (2025). Prioritizing wellness amidst the hustle and grind: a framework for supporting the mental health of B2B sales professionals. Journal of Personal Selling & Sales Management, 45(2), 154–173. https://doi.org/10.1080/08853134.2024.2407804
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.